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The future is Messi

The Maryland Court of Appeals made national headlines recently for its ruling in Nefredo v. Montgomery County.  As you may recall, that’s the case where the court struck down a Montgomery County ordinance banning fortune tellers. The basis?  Violation of the First Amendment for impermissibly burdening the psychic’s free speech.

What doesn’t make sense is that the appellant moved out of town after the trial court’s ruling, leading to the obvious question: Didn’t he know he would win the appeal?

Regardless, in honor of the Nefredo decision, here are some random predictions –- from the legal world and elsewhere:

  • Several months from now, there’ll be kids who were conceived during the FIFA World Cup in South Africa whose parents nostalgically name them Vuvuzela. Some will eventually make their way to L.A., undergo enhancements, and officially become monotone, plastic, and annoying. In other words, perfectly named.
  • In a similar vein, 20 years from now there’ll be a soccer phenom of Argentinean and Brazilian decent whose parents strike unintended comedic gold by naming their son Messi Kaka.  Print the jerseys up now. It’s a can’t-miss.
  • Before the end of the decade, Maryland’s top judge will make three no-brainer improvements to our state system, with practicing attorneys and the environment in mind: (1) electronic filing; (2) a consistent cell phone policy allowing attorneys to bring their Blackberries and iPhones into every courthouse; and (3) a ban on the Montgomery County Circuit Court from requiring you to drive two hours each way to pick up a one-page scheduling order that could have been mailed for pennies, otherwise known as the HaHaHa, You-Drove-From-Baltimore Rule.
  • LeBron James, while enjoying South Florida’s breezes, Latina supermodels and tax breaks, will understand that a synonym for attorney is counselor and that he was woefully devoid of one when deciding to rip Cleveland’s heart out and show it to them on national TV. In a related story, Jim Gray’s next faux-interview will go horribly awry when Mike Tyson’s “decision” is to knock Gray out with a left hook instead of a straight right.  [We can dream, can’t we?]
  • The Orioles will still suck.
  • In lieu of adding to the six or seven available parking spaces in the garage, the Prince George’s County courthouse will provide actual horses in the Equestrian Center parking lot so attorneys late for pre-trial hearings can giddy-up and get there.
  • Dan Snyder will offer Reggie White a seven-year, $100 million dollar contract, with $41 million guaranteed.  [Still too soon?]
  • Barack Obama will realize that being president is a lot worse than $100,000-a-pop speaking gigs and an $8 million book advance. Meanwhile, Chief Justice John Roberts will author a legal opinion saying Goldman Sachs itself can run for president, after which Dick Cheney’s heart pump will be nominated for vice president. ExxonMobil will be named the secretary of energy. Oh wait, that’s already happened.
  • Thousands of law students with $120,000 in non-dischargeable school loan debt and no job prospects will flee the country and start their own colony called WhatElseWasIGonnaDoWithAPoliticalScienceDegreeica. Meanwhile, law school tuition and enrollment will inexplicably continue to rise until late May 2020, when an Ashton Kutcher likeness is beamed internationally, informing the world of the biggest “Punk’d” episode ever.
  • Delegate Jon Cardin will propose to his second wife by having her waterboarded; city police assist by hiding ring in random bucket; Cardin reimburses city $3.97 for water bill.
  • Tiger Woods will win his record-breaking 19th major, then buy the country of Sweden. He’s competitive like that.
  • In about four years, Maryland will finally open up its five slots casinos, which quickly become the first gaming venture ever to lose money; new phrase is coined: 2,000 days late, 900 million dollars short.
  • Steve Snyder will become the first plaintiff’s attorney to bring a $1 zillion lawsuit; continues to wear snazzy purple suits on Friday trial days during football season.
  • Mel Gibson and Lindsay Lohan will elope and procreate rapidly, producing the Four Horseman of the Apocalypse; the Book of Revelations is fulfilled and people prepare for the Last Days –- by watching “Inside Edition.”
  • Israel will bomb Iran, North Korea will bomb South Korea, India will bomb Pakistan, Russia will bomb breakaway republics, the U.S. will bomb random mountains in Afghanistan, and China will rule the world. Meanwhile, Osama bin Laden will walk unnoticed in Manhattan, down Wall Street, to the new mosque built where the World Trade Center used to be. The author will sigh, drink a double, then hop on a plane to Sweden with his family, golf clubs, and a cool new soccer jersey. Messi Kaka indeed.